Men, Women, and Parking Spaces
Subtitle: Wherein I take my personal observations and consider them normative…
Coda: when not using the urinal, men might choose a bathroom stall next to another guy. Most guys will try to get some distance between them and the next guy, but really, our highest priorities for the sit-down are a) clean seat and b) no previous unflushed content. Also, if we look down and there is no toilet paper, there is exactly a 0.000000% chance that we would ask the guy in the next stall for toilet paper. Seriously, I would sooner use my underwear as toilet paper than stick my hand under another guy’s stall asking for toilet paper, because these are your options for what happens next:
1) He pees on your hand
2) He poops on your hand
3) He ignores you
4) He’s an elected Republican official and puts his dick in your hand because he thinks you gave “the signal”
5) He comes out of his stall, kicks in the door to your stall, and beats the crap out of you.
6) He actually gives you toilet paper.
Now I know that seems like a one-in-six chance, but really, that last option is like 2% because “getting your hand peed on” has about a 75% probability.
my son, age 6, asked me what i was laughing at so i read him some of these. he pondered for awhile and then said, “this is probably why we’re not allowed to use urinals at school anymore. because g—- always wants to share and that’s weird.” he came home from school several times wearing bizarre pants that didn’t belong to him, and when we asked what happened to his pants he would say “oh, i didn’t want to share the urinal so g—- peed on me.” if crazy g—- doesn’t get the rules, does that mean he’s gay?
